OPPOSITE DAY MADNESS!
by vampirelurver979
Summary: You've all played opposite day, right? Yeah, well this is what happens when Emmett decides to play it. All Cullens, minus the parents, are completely opposite. Quite funny, if I do say so myself. M for language.
1. The Beginning of the End

Disclaimer- I don't own shit

_**Disclaimer- I don't own shit.**_

_**A/N- I hope you like our story. We were bored. **_

**BPOV**

"Hey! Everybody listen up!" boomed Emmett. "Today is Tuesday, so I want to prepare you for what is happening tomorrow."

"What are you talking about Emmett, is it some super secret vampire thing?" I asked.

"No, it's better. It's…," He paused for dramatic effect. "…Opposite Day! The most hallowed of all the sacred days! It's comes every other Wednesday, or whenever someone gets bored and does it." He added mumbling.

"So what are we going to do for it?" Jasper asked.

Alice giggled. That is NEVER a good sign, unless you were telling a joke or something.

Edward groaned. Another sign showing this wasn't going to turn out to cater to the happiness of me.

"That bad, huh?" inquired Jasper.

"What's so bad about opposite day? I used to play it when I was a wee lad and I always had a great time, mostly." I demanded.

"We aren't saying the opposite of what we mean, we are being the opposite personality/stereotype." Edward explained.

"That's not _too_ bad." I sighed.

"It is." Rosalie assured me. "_He _is the one who picked out what we are going to act like."

"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" I howled in pain. I started to run away even though I knew it would be useless. Sure enough Edward grabbed me and pinned my arms to my side.

"If we have to be exposed to this cruel tortuous behavior so do you since you're part of the family now. This includes the good stuff _and_ the bad." Edward clarified.

"Fine" I sighed. "So what are we going to be?"

"I took a lot of time thinking about this so they are absolutely positively awesomely wonderful." Emmett rambled. "My darling Rosalie is going to be the dorkiest, geekiest…" he paused as Rosalie shot him a dirty look.

"…hottest nerd you'll ever see." He smiled at her and batted his lashes.

I giggled, it was hilarious to see muscle bound EMMETT of all people batting his eyelashes like a love ridden schoolgirl.

"I will be the best loser of all time." Rosalie vowed staring deep into Emmett's eyes.

Jasper gagged. "These emotions are going to kill me! Save me someone!" he squealed rolling on the floor while clutching his head.

"Quit being overdramatic, it's not going to get you out of this." Alice teased.

Jasper suddenly sat up and looked at Alice with puppy dog eyes and a quivering lip. "Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaase. Save me the indignity!" He begged sounding like the little kid in the checkout line tugging on his mother's sleeve and pleading for candy.

"Everyone is doing this; I'll make sure of it." Emmett assured everyone while standing in a threatening pose. "Now let's continue with the grand duty of assigning personalities."

"Bella is _NOT_ doing that!" Edward suddenly burst out.

"Huh? What aren't I doing?" I inquired.

"_He_ wants you to act like _and_ _dress_ like a whore." Edward explained.

"What! No way in the very deepest reaches of a frozen over fluffy hell or in the highest corner of a prickly, knife throwing heaven!" I screeched.

"I told you they would react this way." Alice said. "But no, you wouldn't believe the all seeing eyes of the all-knowing Alice."

"Whatever, you have to do it. Edward, you are going to be a gangsta." Emmett continued completely ignoring the multiple lasers beams boring into his back from the direction of Edward and me.

"Jasper, you are going to be quirky, happy, bouncy, basically Alice. Alice, you are going to be emo." Emmett stated in a drawling monotone shell of his voice. I know he was covering up laughter.

"Why should we even do this?" Edward posed.

"Hey! That's not fair; how are we going to get around? What about Bella?" Edward roared.

"Explain to the human." I demanded.

"He's taking all our cars until we finish tomorrow in our assigned personalities. If we don't do it to his satisfaction then he gets to choose the color said vehicles will be changing to." Alice smiled what would be considered a smirk on other people. On her it was just cute.

"So what are you going to be Emmett?" Edward questioned cocking his head to the side.

"Ummm… I didn't plan that part out so well." Emmett looked down awkwardly.

"I did." Rosalie smiled. "Since you are such a big manly man I decided you will be……………………………………."

_Cliffhanger,_ **cliffhanger, **cliffhanger, _**cliffhanger, **_**cliffhanger, **_cliffhanger, __**cliffhanger, **_CLIFFHANGER, cLiFfHaNgEr, ClIfFhAnGeR, cliffhANGER, CLIFFhanger, cliffhanger, cliffhanger, cliffhanger, cliffhanger, cliffhanger, cliffhanger, cliffhanger, cliffhanger, cliffhanger, cliffHANGER, hillhanger, mountainhanger, cliffbanger, cliffhanger, cliffhanger (you got me, I'm bored), cliffhanger, cliffhanger, cliffy.

_**A/N- Just kidding, don't hurt me. ducks glass bottle and wooden cutting board (where did those come from, who threw them? Come on. You people have strange hobbies) So, did you like it? Like I said a lot of illegal substances where involved in the production of this. Tehe. **_


	2. Both Ways

Disclamier- I don't fucking own it

_**Disclamier- I don't fucking own it. **_

_**A/N- I hope you like this chapter. **_

**BPOV**

"… gay!" Rosalie finished.

"What! That will ruin my masculine reputation! No way." Emmett cried out.

"You have to; otherwise you will have a nice shiny Pepto-Bismol pink jeep! It's your rules." Rosalie smirked.

"I take it back, April Fools everybody! Just kidding… yeah, you know. Hee hee, big joke." Emmett chuckled desperately.

"Emmett, first off its fall. Second, we can't wait to do it now." Edward smiled his beautiful topaz eyes smiling with mischief.

"Fine." Emmett huffed.

**The next day: Bella's POV**

I woke with a jolt as _someone_; no names mentioned _**ALICE**_, jumped on my bed.

"Wakey, wakey Bella! We have to get you dressed. Come on, get up. Rise and shine."

I groaned. "I like it better when Edward wakes me."

I yawned as she dragged me out of bed and pushed me into the bathroom. "Don't come out until you are awake and clean." She ordered.

I mumbled something unintelligible in response and stumbled in. I took shower and put my pajamas back on. I then stumbled out and crept back into my bedroom hoping to get a few more minutes of sleep. Alice grabbed me, tossed me on her back still in the pajamas I had changed back into, and jumped out my window running in the direction of her house.

"I'm not dressed yet!" I yelled.

"That's why you're coming to our house. I got some slutty clothes just for your opposite day." She explained.

"Awwwwwww." I groaned.

We got to her house and immediately I was escorted to Alice's bedroom. She had slutty clothes galore covering every surface.

"Alice!" I scolded.

"Come on, let's start." She advised. "Let's start with the classic denim mini skirt and purple v-neck shirt."

I tried on clothes for an hour until we (her) decided on my outfit. It was a white mini skirt and a hot pink halter top. The shoes were silver flats since I insisted they be practical. My hair was put up into a high ponytail and Alice straightened it.

Alice then changed into her outfit. After experimentation she decided on black skinny jeans with a white stud belt and a red Devil Wears Prada band shirt. She wore black high top converse and red and black striped socks. Her eyes were surrounded in a thick line of eyeliner and her eye shadow was a silvery metallic black. Her mascara was a dark shade of purple. Her hair was parted on the side and one side fell over her honey colored eyes.

"Wow!" I breathed.

"You should see the others, it's hilarious!" Alice led me downstairs where I saw the _interestingly_ clothed vampires.

Emmett wore a pink button up shirt with the first few buttons unbuttoned and a faded pair of girl jeans with a hole in the knee. On his feet was a pair of dark tan flip-flops and on his head a mauve hat. To complete his ensemble was a lavender scarf.

Jasper was dressed in a yellow shirt and orange shorts. They were so bright they burned my eyes for a minute.

Rosalie wore a baggy pair of ratty grey sweatpants with elastic around the waist and cuffs. Her shirt was a black dungeons and dragons shirt that was 3 sizes too big and had the "short" sleeves that went to her elbow. On her feet were a pair of black rubber sandals with the thick straps across the foot with white socks that weren't folded down and reached to her knees (you could see it through the holes in her sweats. Her hair was in a high librarian bun that was so tight it looked as if her eyebrows were being pulled back into her head. This ensemble was completed with a black pair of Harry Potter glasses.

Edward wore dark baggy jeans that were sagging so you could see his black boxers with money signs on them. His shirt was a huge black shirt with South Pole written on it in silver letters. On his feet were Echo shoes. His jacket was the typical baggy jacket. (Pictures of everything on website) His hat was worn sideways. He had multiple gold chains hanging around his neck.

"And I though I had it bad." I laughed.

"So how are we getting to school since Emmett has our car keys?" Jasper asked.

"We're walking and Edward's carrying Bella." Emmett clarified.

"But first we have to go over the rules." Alice piped up.

"Right, stay in character for the whole day. Don't tell anyone what is going on. If you don't stay in character or break one of the rules then I get to choose the new color of your vehicle. Don't change clothes unless they stay in character. Don't endanger someone's life. Okay, that's it. Follow all of these rules. It starts as soon as we enter school grounds." Emmett instructed.

Edward carried me to the school, my skirt kept riding up so in trying to pull it back down I almost made us crash into the trees.

"Grrrrrr. I hate these things." I complained when he set me down. He laughed.

"Go to class, I have to get some things ready. I'll see you soon."

I followed Alice to class. Instead of her normal bouncy walk she stared at the ground and dragged her feet kicking at pebbles along the way. When I got to class Jessica and Lauren gave me a strange look. They weren't the only ones.

I pretended I didn't notice and focused my attention on the teacher. He asked Alice a question and I didn't hear her answer because she mumbled and her head was facing the floor.

"Put your head up young lady and tell me the answer." The teacher demanded.

"_Holding your head up_

_Is hard when you just want_

_To stay on the ground."_ She replied.

The teacher looked at her strangely and turned to me for the answer.

"Wouldn't you like to know?" I whispered "seductively" and winked.

"Why is everyone behaving weirdly today?" he asked.

I smiled again and looked up with puppy dog eyes. "Whatever are you like talking about Mr. Berty?" I asked innocently.

He quickly looked away and moved on.

After class when no one was around Alice giggled. "You're taking this a bit seriously, I mean putting the moves on a teacher?"

"I just don't want my like truck to end up umm… like diarrhea green." I replied.

"After this I don't think it will!" she replied shocked.

"Fine, I hate umm… like lying to you. Rosalie put me up to like it. With a pretty hefty bribe too." I admitted.

"That makes more sense. You crack easy, as demonstrated here." She smiled.

"Alice, go back to emo, they're coming." I hissed.

She quickly rearranged her features suddenly looking sullen and like one not to approach.

_**A/N- That was pretty pwnage, huh? Yep, it was. So, yeah, you should totally review. You took the time to read it, so review it. **_


	3. Wreck of the Day

Dislcaimer- Yeah, see this chapter

_**Dislcaimer- Yeah, see this chapter. Yeah, I don't own the characters in it. **_

_**A/N- Please like it. **_

**EPOV**

To stay in character I tried to say hi in a gangster way.

"Wuz up in da hood my homie g's from da fucking bitch strizzle."

"I'm glad I don't have to wait till I'm on the like umm… flip side to see you." Bella whispered in my ear.

I chuckled. "Me tizzle home skillet."

"Did you finish what umm… you like needed to?" Bella asked.

"Yup. It's all done. It was so hard I had to knock a few dozen people out cold but it was a brizzle for me." I winked not wanting to scare her.

"Of course. My big like strong gangsta can do like anything dangerous." Bella crooned staying in character.

"I wouldn't holla this ta jus' anyone but there's goin' ta be some commotion about something in da bathroom. I heard someone sprizzled some wordy dirds in there bitch." I fake whispered.

"Is it something a girl like me like should be like umm… scared about?" she played along.

"It depends on what kinda gizzle ya are." I replied.

She giggled and batted her eyelashes.

"We betta get goin' cause class is startin', not that I cizzle or nothin', ya jus' might get big trouble." I informed them.

"Thank you." Bella said clinging onto my arm and smiling "seductively", which ended up looking so cutely pathetic its objective was achieved.

We went into the crowded lunch room prepared for death (our reputations only of course). We definitely were going to create a stir in the pot of high school life.

The chess team was preparing for a match so they were crowded around a table debating strategies. Rosalie walked over and sat down. Everyone in the lunchroom turned around to look at her. Not only was she not sitting with her family like usual but she was sitting down with the _chess_ team and was beating them in strategizing.

Alice walked over to a corner and stood slouched against the wall looking like she would kill anyone who approached her. Bella strutted over to her usual table and plopped down by Mike.

"Hey. Have you been umm… like working out? You look like you've got umm… some new like muscles." Bella inquired with masquerade idolization. It made my insides burn with anger, but I knew it was all part of the opposite day which, by the way, I was starting to hate more and more.

"I know." Emmett cut in. "Soon you'll be all big and strong like me. Want me to help you work out. I could show you my specialized workout." He winked suggestively.

"Ummm. Thanks." Mike looked away awkwardly.

Jessica threw Bella and Emmett a really dirty look.

"Hey everybody, I just can't believe how exuberant I feel today! It's like I ate a whole bag of sunny leprechaun pony sugar and drank a gallon of glittery unicorn coffee! Does anyone to come hang out with me after school? I think I can get us into a majorly cool club! Maybe afterwards we can go to Starbucks! Can I help you with that? It needs just a little glue and it'll be fine." Jasper prattled.

"Thanks." Angela blushed. She looked at Bella and gave her a questioning look. Bella just shrugged her shoulders. This made her scent flow over to me and I inhaled deeply. She just smelled so good. If she smelled like she did to me to everyone she would have way more obsessed admirers, not that she didn't already have a lot.

Jasper helped Angela with her project that she was trying to fix during lunch. Emmett had been skipping to lunch singing Hannah Montana and had accidentally knocked into Angela and her project fell and got tilted slightly askew.

Soon I looked over to check on Alice. She was arguing with the principal Mr. Greene.

"Sit down young man. This is lunch, not a backstreet alley where you smoke pot." Mr. Greene ordered.

"First off, I'm not a man. Secondly, I don't smoke pot. Thirdly, I don't think my father Dr. Cullen will appreciate you telling me to sit down when I am in a brace and can't sit because I fell down. It could damage the healing process." Alice lied.

"Oh, I'm sorry Alice, I didn't recognize you. I understand the circumstances and extend my apologies to both you and your father." Mr. Greene looked flustered.

Alice was going to reply when another flustered person arrived on the scene.

"T-there is s-some inapp-propriate w-words written in t-the boy's b-b-bathroom." She huffed out of breath.

"I'll be right there." He assured patting her shoulder. I snickered. So my masterpiece had been discovered. I had covered the bathroom in graffiti and cuss words. Some that aren't even known widely today. Suddenly the whole school was rushing to the boy's bathroom to see what happened.

"Is this what like you were umm… expecting?" Bella inquired.

"Yep my housie y cat. (instead of homie g dawg, it was getting tiring) even betta then Izzle spected." I grinned.

"Since you are like getting so good at like pranks do you want to like play one on like Emmett for making us like do like this?" Bella queried.

"Wat are ya damn thinkin of fizzle?" I inquired.

"Well, since I am umm… supposed to be a like preppy slut and they spread rumors about other umm… people, I say Emmett should like get one." Bella grinned mischievously.

"I think I know a fucking gizzle one." I replied grinning back, an evil glint in my eye.

"Like, umm… what?" Bella implored.

"Well, for startas wizzle can say that he is a transvestite, bitch."

"And we can umm… say he's on like steroids or umm… somethin'!" Bella jumped up and down.

"And dat when he wasa girl he wizzle pregnant three whole shittin times." I added.

"And by umm… three like different umm… men!" Bella finished.

We both laughed hysterically. This was going to be great!

"So, umm… who do we like tell?" Bella giggled.

"Tell that bitch Eric 'cause he an his friends are da gossip queens of da schizzle." I chuckled.

"Maybe we should like tell like Jessica and like her friends and like stuff." Bella choked out from under the laughter.

"Kay, I'll damn make sure to dizzle that shit." I bubbled.

**RPOV**

I know something is going on. I can hear Edward and Bella giggling like little schoolgirls who are about to commit a prank. That's it! They are probably planning on getting back at Emmett! You would think they would be satisfied with him acting gay, but no, they are planning to do something else.

I really wish these dweebs would shut up. How interesting can chess really be?

"Huh?" I answered in response to Eric's question.

"I asked if you want to compete in our chess tournament. One of our members had an asthma attack and fell down breaking his glasses which caused a serious infection at the wound site. We need someone to take his place, otherwise we won't have a chance of beating the competition and this is semi-state finals. It's really serious. If we don't win this we won't possibly be able to compete in the championship. We haven't won in 29 years! We can finally prove we are as intelligent as we appear! So what do you say?" Eric asked excitedly.

I really don't want to do this but my alter ego for the day would be ecstatic.

"Really? You would let me replace him? Thank you sooooooooo much!" I cried excitedly.

"Just don't let us down. You know we are only doing this because of uncontrollable circumstances. If you cost us this then you better be prepared to take the consequences." Eric warned.

"I promise I won't!" I squealed.

Inwardly I just died. I think I need to throw up. How in the world do I get out of this?

"Be in the gym precisely when the clock strikes two, figuratively speaking of course." He chided.

"Absolutely!" I cried.

Of course I would do great. I had learned a lot from watching Alice and Edward play; I just didn't want everyone to know I could play. I mean, how embarrassing.

I continued debating over the proper tactic play dungeons and dragons with this small kid when Emmett walked by me. My eyes pleaded with him to end this but he just smiled and waved at the kid beside me.

**Emmett POV**

I smiled as I walked by Rosalie knowing that everyone was having a miserable time.

I heard some people whispering and wouldn't normally care, but I heard my name mentioned.

"Are you sure? I mean, Emmett's too big to be a woman."

"Yeah, that's just the steroids."

"You're probably right; he could have not lost all the baby weight yet."

I wondered why in the world the thought I was: A) a women, B) on steroids, C) pregnant. Who would say such mean things about me? Suddenly I realized that some of my wonderful siblings were trying to get me back.

I went up to the two students and said in my high gay person voice, "So what are you guys talking about?"

They shifted uncomfortably.

"Umm..."

"How I think that my friends outfit looks great." The other one quickly rescued.

"Which one?" I asked trying to seem interested.

"The one wearing the lime-green and blue shirt and black Capri pants."

"Are you sure? Because lately the trends have been toward either all bright or all dull colors together, not a mixture of both. Or is this the new trend? Now I have to go rethink my whole wardrobe!" I ran away screaming like a little girl (Alice), who just found out Santa Claus (a close mall) didn't exist.

So they've decided to get back at me then? I will show them who is the greatest of them all then! Mwahahaha! My laughter resounded evilly in my head where I knew Edward could hear it.

**Edward POV**

I knew trouble was brewing as evil laughter rang in Emmett's head. I immediately went to warn Bella that trouble was ahead in the form of my darling brother Emmett.

**BPOV**

I figured that since I was stuck being a prep all day and that one rumor had worked out so great I might as well have some fun. Since Lauren had recently been getting on my nerves, a lot, I decided that she is now my intended target, which would be a great distraction so she would lay off being so mean to me.

I decided to go for the "she's trying to steal your man" thing, so I calmly walked up to Jessica and pulled her aside.

"I don't know umm… how to like tell you this." I started.

"What are you talking about?" Jessica questioned.

"Well, I overheard like Lauren umm… talking in the like bathroom umm… with a like friend." I paused knowing that Jessica would soon bite and sure enough she did.

"What does it have to do with me? Was she talking about me?" she inquired.

"Not umm… you like exactly, just like how she wanted to like take Mike from you and that umm… you didn't like deserve him."

"What!" Jessica yelped, outraged.

"That's not like all; I saw her trying to umm… like put her like plan into like action. She started flirting with like him in the library and started like leaning closer trying to get him to umm… like umm… kiss her." I continued drawing her closer into my web of lies.

"Did he?" Jessica demanded impulsively.

"He didn't even like know she was like trying to like umm… kiss him." I replied, not wanted to get Mike in trouble, this was between Lauren and me.

"How dare she? What do you think I should do?" she interrogated.

"I don't like know; I would umm… confront like her. Don't mention where you got umm… this like information though, she already like hates me." I pleaded.

"Of course. Thank-you so much for telling me this." Jessica assured me.

Suddenly Edward flew out of nowhere and pulled me away. He looked extremely flustered.

"What's like umm… wrong?" I asked worriedly.

"Emmett was laughin' manically in hizzle damn head an I think he's goin' to try an get fuckin' back at us for telling on his ass." Edward explained.

"How about we like say it was like Jasper?" I suggested. "I mean it would like make sense because like he has to interact with like people and umm… that like makes it like harder for him to like not umm… eat them."

"You're a fuckin' genius Bella my dawg!" Edward gave me a quick peck on my cheek before rushing away.

I felt a little faint but quickly rushed to class.

**RPOV**

The intercom came on and announced, "All chess team members to the gym."

The moment of my death had arrived.

I trudged to the gym and took my place at the table.

"This is just practice, but in a few minutes the competition will begin after all the other students get here to watch." Eric declared.

I didn't know everyone in the school would be watching! This is even worse then I thought it would be!

We played a few games of chess before the announcements directed everyone to come witness my humiliating execution.

I glanced up in time to see my dear Emmett waving ecstatically from the bleachers mirrored by my darling brother Jasper who had Emmett's arm wrapped around his waist holding him very close to Emmett's bulging chest muscles. I glared at both of them and conveyed high voltage death rays shooting into their brains causing a internal combustion. This way when their heads explode the chess thingy would be canceled. Yippee! In your face Emmy-bear!

My hallucinatory victory came to an end as the opposing schools principal conveyed proper procedure and the other boring information no one listened to except those who made bored a career. Yes, I do mean teachers. First I faced a kid with a detached expression, that is, until I checkmated him in six moves. After that, his face held one that could be described as more stunned, dazed, astounded, astonished, bewildered, baffled, stupefied, dumbfounded, confounded, disturbed, distraught, and traumatized. ß Vocabulary words of the day.

That got the attention of the other pupils of the aforementioned educational asylums, no offense Alice, and they began murmuring among themselves asking who it was. I continued my amazing display of ingenuity as I played against the other competitors until I was one of the last ones. Skipping over the apathetic parts I quickly won. The outcome would, of course, have been different playing against my vampire siblings; however, I was not so it was a great moment in my short lived (pardon the irony) history book of chess matches.

While we were dismissing it became evident that Alice and Edward had started a spat and were currently on their way to becoming a disturbance. Hopefully it would escalade and take the attention off me winning.

Sure enough Edward began pointing and singing the emo kid song in its entirety, very projected and verbosely.

"_Dear Diary:_

Mood: Apathetic.

My life is spiraling downward.  
I couldn't get enough money to go to the  
Blood Red Romance and Suffocate me dry concert.  
It sucks 'cause they play some of my favorite songs  
like "Stab My Heart Because I Love You" and  
"Rip Apart My Soul" and of course,  
"Stabby Rip Stab Stab".  
And it doesn't help that I couldn't  
get my hair to do that flippy thing.  
Like that guy from that band can do.  
Some days you know...

'I'm an emo kid, non-conforming as can be  
You'd be non-conforming too if  
you looked just like me  
I have paint on my nails and make-up on my face  
I'm almost emo enough to start shaving my legs  
'Cause I feel real deep when I'm dressing in drag  
I call it freedom of expression,  
most just call me a fag  
'Cause our dudes look like chicks,  
and our chicks look like dykes  
'Cause emo is one step below transvestite!

Stop my breathing and slit my throat  
I must be emo  
I don't jump around when I go to shows  
I must be emo

I'm dark, and sensitive with low self-esteem  
The way I dress makes every day feel like Halloween  
I have no real problems but I like to make believe  
I stole my sister's mascara now  
I'm grounded for a week.  
Sulking and writing poetry are my hobbies  
I can't get through a Hawthorne  
Heights album without sobbing  
Girls keep breaking up with me,  
it's never any fun.  
_ Find more Lyrics at __/bh__  
They say they already have a pussy,  
they don't need another one_

Stop my breathing and slit my throat  
I must be emo  
I don't jump around when I go to shows  
I must be emo  
Dye in my hair and polish on my toes  
I must be emo  
I play guitar and write suicide notes  
I must be emo

My life is just a black abyss,  
you know, it's so dark.  
And it's suffocating me.  
Grabbing hold of me and tightening it's grip,  
tighter than a pair of  
my little sister's jeans...  
which look great on me by the way.

When I get depressed I cut my  
wrists in every direction  
Hearing songs about getting  
dumped give me an erection  
I write in a live journal and  
wear thick rimmed glasses  
I tell my friends I bleed black  
and cry during classes  
I'm just a bad, cheap, imitation of goth,  
You can read me "Catcher in the  
Rye", and watch me jack off.  
I wear skin tight clothes while hating my life  
If I said I like girls, I'd only be half right!

I look like I'm dead and dress like a homo  
I must be emo  
Screw XBox, I play old school Nintendo  
I must be emo  
I like to whine and hate my parentals  
I must be emo  
Me and my friends all look like clones  
I must be emo

My parents just don't get me, you know.  
They think I'm gay just because  
they saw me kiss a guy.  
Well, a couple guys. But I mean, it's the 2000's.  
Can't 2 ... or 4 dudes make-out with  
each other without being gay?  
I mean, chicks dig that kind of thing anyways.  
I don't know diary,  
sometimes I think you're the only one that gets me,  
you're my best friend...  
I feel like tacos!"

That sure got peoples attention. They quickly poured back in and gathered in a circle around Alice and Edward.

_**A/N- So, I hope you liked it. I love the Emo Kid song. It's great. Don't forget, the link to that song is on my profile. Go watch it. **_


	4. The Phrase That Pays

_**Disclaimer- I don't own the characters, pretty obvious people**_

_**A/N- I really hope you laugh your butt off cause I spent a lot of my nonexistent life working on this**_

**Alice POV**

I had a great vision at lunch and decided let Edward know what was happening. I shouted his name in my head and told him first, he should suggest that Emmett was a transvestite and that as a girl he was pregnant. That would really ruin his manly persona. Second, I suggested that we should have a little fight in the gym because both emo and gangster kids are thought to be violent and hate each other to help enlist the support of Rosalie in our grand scheme of revenge (that I promptly informed him of) against the irritable grizzly, Emmett, who evilly massacred our sanctified identities. I hoped she would be so grateful for the distraction of attention that she would gladly join our cause. If not that, at least out of obligation.

Jasper would help out of pure adoration for me. Edward would be glad to get Emmett just to defend Bella's honor. Bella would of course do anything Edward proposed, but Rosalie however still harbored feelings of affection for the malevolent tyrant of this repulsive antagonism of a rivalry. Hopefully her debt to us from saving her would increase her feelings of liking towards us enough to sway her position on this crucial matter.

We timed it so perfectly that it looked coincidental in occurrence but still obtained everyone's firm attention. Edward looked at me and I knew it was on.

"How dare you even insinuate I cause self-inflicting harm to myself? Where's your proof?" I issued the challenge.

"Right fucking hizzle whore." Edward promptly rebuttaled with the emo kid song from .

"_Dear Diary: _

_Mood: Apathetic. _

_My life is spiraling downward.  
I couldn't get enough money to go to the  
Blood Red Romance and Suffocate me dry concert.  
It sucks 'cause they play some of my favorite songs  
like "Stab My Heart Because I Love You" and  
"Rip Apart My Soul" and of course,  
"Stabby Rip Stab Stab".  
And it doesn't help that I couldn't  
get my hair to do that flippy thing.  
Like that guy from that band can do.  
Some days you know... _

_'I'm an emo kid, non-conforming as can be  
You'd be non-conforming too if  
you looked just like me  
I have paint on my nails and make-up on my face  
I'm almost emo enough to start shaving my legs  
'Cause I feel real deep when I'm dressing in drag  
I call it freedom of expression,  
most just call me a fag  
'Cause our dudes look like chicks,  
and our chicks look like dykes  
'Cause emo is one step below transvestite! _

_Stop my breathing and slit my throat  
I must be emo  
I don't jump around when I go to shows  
I must be emo _

_I'm dark, and sensitive with low self-esteem  
The way I dress makes every day feel like Halloween  
I have no real problems but I like to make believe  
I stole my sister's mascara now  
I'm grounded for a week.  
Sulking and writing poetry are my hobbies  
I can't get through a Hawthorne  
Heights album without sobbing  
Girls keep breaking up with me,  
it's never any fun.  
Find more Lyrics at /bh  
They say they already have a pussy,  
they don't need another one _

_Stop my breathing and slit my throat  
I must be emo  
I don't jump around when I go to shows  
I must be emo  
Dye in my hair and polish on my toes  
I must be emo  
I play guitar and write suicide notes  
I must be emo _

_My life is just a black abyss,  
you know, it's so dark.  
And it's suffocating me.  
Grabbing hold of me and tightening it's grip,  
tighter than a pair of  
my little sister's jeans...  
which look great on me by the way. _

_When I get depressed I cut my  
wrists in every direction  
Hearing songs about getting  
dumped give me an erection  
I write in a live journal and  
wear thick rimmed glasses  
I tell my friends I bleed black  
and cry during classes  
I'm just a bad, cheap, imitation of goth,  
You can read me "Catcher in the  
Rye", and watch me jack off.  
I wear skin tight clothes while hating my life  
If I said I like girls, I'd only be half right! _

_I look like I'm dead and dress like a homo  
I must be emo  
Screw XBox, I play old school Nintendo  
I must be emo  
I like to whine and hate my parentals  
I must be emo  
Me and my friends all look like clones  
I must be emo _

_My parents just don't get me, you know.  
They think I'm gay just because  
they saw me kiss a guy.  
Well, a couple guys. But I mean, it's the 2000's.  
Can't 2 ... or 4 dudes make-out with  
each other without being gay?  
I mean, chicks dig that kind of thing anyways.  
I don't know diary,  
sometimes I think you're the only one that gets me,  
you're my best friend...  
I feel like tacos!"_

"That's just a stupid video idiot kids made up when they were bored out of their gourds." I refuted.

"Damn, izzle that so?" Edward ridiculed.

"Actually it is." I glared.

"Then what the fuck do you do with razors you sizzle of a fizzle ass?" He inquired presenting a razorblade, the edges sanded down so no one would get hurt.

"Give it to me and I'll show you." I posed raising an eyebrow.

"Hizzle it is." Edward smirked.

Suddenly the adults supposed to be in charge of the school got it into their heads that this wasn't a Girl Scout selling cookies situation. They separated us and confiscated the razorblade.

We slipped away before they saw who it was though. Our secret identities were still safely concealed.

Rosalie POV

I slipped away while everyone was still distracted, knowing that otherwise my oddity would come into question and I wouldn't be permitted to leave without a throng of people converging on me. Thank the supernatural creatures that looked over me it was so interesting to those pathetic humans when people sang ridiculous songs and where so stereotypical, not that we weren't completely taking full advantage of that fact, but they brought it upon themselves by thinking everyone who looked alike was the same inside.

I went on to my next class and noticed something was up when I noticed the unusually large grins plastered on four of my current and future siblings.

"What astonishing occasion is occurring?" I posed, cocking my head to the side with one eyebrow raised.

"Well you see…" started Jasper.

"We were ummm… just like wondering…"continued Bella.

"If yizzle would fucking consider, maybe…" persisted Edward.

"What our eloquent family is trying to say is that we would greatly appreciate it if you would help us complete a simple task. Consider it a thank-you for saving your butt from the evil ghastly direly corrupt ruthless shameless delinquent trying to ruin your life." Alice grinned, her eyes sparkling with intended mischief.

"Converse about it at a later time." I whispered noting the teacher's gaze on us.

After class they all cornered me at my locker.

"So, will you do it?" Alice excitedly invited.

"What is _**it**_?" I pleaded.

"Calm down!" Jasper shrieked while bouncing up and down like a rubber chicken egg, grinning manically.

"Well…?" I inquired.

"Alice came up with like this smart umm… plan thingy. We should umm… like, you know, pass out pictures of "Emmett" with like your umm… body in a like bikini and his head like thingy. We should like then get those umm… silhouette mud flaps with like that same umm… like picture on like it. Oh, and we already like told umm… everybody Emmett is like a transvestite and was umm… pregnant and is on like steroids." Bella blushed. So that was their evil genius plan. It could use some improvements but overall it was acceptable.

"On one condition. I get to edit in some of my own plans. That competition is worth a lot more revenge points. I say replace his cologne and air freshener with skunk scent. And I'm sure his jeep needs some remodeling. I think I heard a clunking sound in his trunk." I chuckled manically.

"Are you going to kidnap Emmett and hold him hostage?" Jasper demanded.

"That's a great idea!" I squealed. "We can pretend to be the spirits of our cars and make him beg for his life, record it and put the tape on the announcements!"

"Wow! You're like really umm… evil geniusy and like stuff." Bella stepped back stunned.

I flashed her a grin and declared, "Emmett will rue the day she threatened my baby BMW!"

We all headed to our next classes. The rest of the day was uneventful other then Emmett asking Mr. Greene to marry him and Alice scaring a kid so bad he wet his football pants and me breaking my glasses and wandering around "blindly" and Jasper gluing glitter on the windows claiming "It will make everything so much sunnier though!" and Bella sitting on Tyler's lap and… well, you get it.

Edward POV

After the final bell rang I rushed to Bella and swept her up off her feet and started running home.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Edward!" she shrieked.

"Got her screaming your name already?" Emmett winked.

I quickly punched him and sped up so he couldn't catch me. Not that he would try with Bella in my arms. He knows what I would do if anything happened to her.

To my surprise my arms were soon feather light and I fell only to see Bella swept up by Emmett's gargantuan arms. He swiftly took to the woods.

Bella POV

I was stunned as Emmett snatched me from Edward's loving embrace.

"Emmett what do you think you're doing?" I challenged.

"Just taking my wonderful sister-in-law on a brisk stroll." He replied.

"Edward save me! An evil grimy steroid addicted giant has kidnapped me and plans to take me home to his mucky soiled encrusted grubby gritty castle to eat me!" I hollered.

"I would never eat such a sweet smelling person as you. You're my new air freshener silly." Emmett tightened his grip on me, trying to hug me.

I tried a different tactic.

"Rosalie! Your brute of a drunken groping husband has made unwanted advantages on me and I'm scared what he will try and do next. No! Don't touch me there! Help!" I squealed.

Emmett cowered but still continued on our wild rampage through the fragile forest gripping me closer.

Rosalie just laughed.

I tried again. "Dear Sir Jasper. Please save this fair maiden from the grasps of the brutal stinky bee-infested dragon! Would chivalry exist if you refused my plea?

"Alas fair maiden I am but an old gnome with twigs for bones! Even if the codes of chivalry hadn't been dissolved yesterday I still couldn't be of service." He giggled still hyped up on the sugar Alice made him inhale for a more realistic performance.

"You are my last chance all-powerful all-seeing Alice! Will you turn your gaze onto this insignificant organism that begs for your renowned mercy and fashion sense to help! I'll let you dress Edward up! As much as you want, I promise! Just save me! Makeup included!" I beseeched.

"However tempting the offer I have to respectively decline. You see, a little while before you came along I had to sign a blood oath promising never to give a makeover to Edward unless he came begging on his knees pleading forgiveness." Alice sighed.

"Charlie?" I offered.

"That would be awkward."

"Emmett?" At this Emmett tickled my sides until my ribs cracked from laughing.

"If you can make him." Alice responded.

"Emmy darling, you know you're my favoritist biggest manliest strongest brother ever right? Would you kindly submit the Alice's every whim so I can get free from your arms?" I pleaded with puppy dog eyes. Surprisingly enough it didn't work. I was shell-shocked.

"But Emmy!" I whined. "I would do anything for you! Besides, you'd look really pretty."

He laughed at my pain. He then took me into the house and started gong into everyone's rooms and pulling clothes out and stuffing them on me. Emmett started running around in dizzying circles all over the house. He then took me to the attic and hid us among the piles of stuff.

"Does Esme know it's this messy in here?" I asked

"Shh. I doubt it." Emmett whispered.

I pointlessly tried to get out of his grasp.

"Be quiet. I want to freak out Edward." He whispered clutching me closer trying to muffle the noise.

I figured that I would do what Emmett asked as an apology for what I was going to do later.

The clothes he put on me were really comfortable and warm so I slowly drifted off to sleep.

_**A/N- I really do have an idea for where this is going so enjoy**_


	5. Ninja Attack!

**_Disclaimer- For once, I do not own._**

_**A/N- We thought we'd let you all know that we are aware that Emmett is not this stupid. But we, however, are which is why we made this story.  
**_

**Edward POV**

Emmett rushed off and I didn't dare get Bella lest she get hurt. My heart wrenched out of my chest when she called out to me for help, but I couldn't help giggling as I heard his response. Bella only be an air freshener, I laugh.

She then pleaded with my siblings her cries getting more hilarious by the second. Her descriptions of Emmett were quite amusing as well. He is evidently an evil, grimy, steroid addicted giant as well as drunken groping husband and brutal bee-infested dragon.

I was shocked to hear that she would be willing to put me up for an Alice Makeover Extravaganza. Then Charlie! He should be notified of her betrayal! Finally Emmett himself was put up as bargaining bait. Bella was practically batting her eyelashes to get him to go through the torture. She looked genuinely hurt when he refused.

Out of nowhere Emmett barreled off into the house. His thoughts were getting into extremely dirty images of him and Rosalie so I knew something not normal was up.

"Rosalie, do you know what's going on in Emmett's head right now? It's like he wants to shout his most intimate moments to the world." I alerted her.

Her eyes flared dangerously. "Don't worry he won't be getting any more inspiration for them any time soon."

I laughed then concentrated on the situation at hand. I smelled the air. It was perfumed of Bella all the way to the house. Her scent was all over. It then started getting muddled and going around in circles. I couldn't find a clear trail, so I decided to leave it to another sense.

Listening as hard as ever before, my senses strained to pick up a trace of movement. I thought the faint palpitate of a heart was heard above my head. I vaulted up the stairs and started on the second floor. Search as I might she couldn't be found.

"Emmett! I vow with all my essence I will hack you to microscopic tidbits and reduce you to ashes then throw the flakes into a boiling pot of tar if you return my Bella with even one minuscule abrasion on her!" I snarled. My rage seeped into the innermost pores of my body and charged me blindly onward. I crashed through the house tearing everything until I sniffed the air. For some reason it smelled like Alice , Jasper, Emmett, Carlisle , Esme, Rosalie, and myself were all in the attic.

He was trying to mask her scent! Two could play at that game. I took my clothes and gestured for the remaining members of my family to put them on and sneak into the attic from different directions.

**Emmett POV**

Bella started murmuring in her sleep. Edward was right; it is amusing. Evidently I was a pigheaded ugly baby gorilla raper. Hmmm… I wonder if she really does like chicken dipped in salty piná coladas and soy sauce and fried with grape soda. I think even for a human that is considered disgusting.

Thump! The floor shook as someone landed ninja style on the opposite side of the attic. Edward had arrived.

I huddled in my corner waiting for the wrath that was sure to occur. My senses were extra alert as I tensed up preparing for the confrontation. I knew I was relatively safe as long as I kept Bella in my arms at all times, but Edward was ridiculously unreasonable and absurd when it came to Bella and her safety. It's not like I would actually hurt the fragile little thing, she causes too much great fun.

I then heard dainty ballerina footsteps on top of the roof. I guess Alice was helping too, I don't know why though; she got as much fun out of it as I did. Not only did she get to dress Bella up, she got to pick out a whole new wardrobe herself. Alice is just weird that way though, she's never satisfied with my ideas of fun, and she has to go beyond.

Funny thing though, she smelled just like Edward. I heard more noises stalking and closing in on me. They all smelled like Eddy!

**Alice POV**

I crouched, ninja style on the other side of the attic and sent Jasper up on the roof. Edward had notified Carlisle and Esme of our new game and invited them to join in. They accepted eagerly, bored with the monotony of normal life. We all circled, closing in on our helpless prey and his victim.

"No! Tell me it isn't so!" Emmett cried out. "Edward, you've cloned yourself haven't you? I thought I warned you about the dangers! Now there are even more vampires trying to eat Bella!"

**Emmett POV**

I was sure I had talked him out of it! Oh poor, poor deluded little vampire. He cloned himself just because Bella was in danger, putting her in even more danger, with the odds of him slipping up growing by 6! I must save him from himself by destroying his extra hims! But which one was actually the original? I'm sorry I have to this, but all of you must go!

I gallantly raised my self into my heroic battle stance (perfected by practicing daily in front of my mirror, my favorite hobby). I just had an epiphany, I think if I ever get bored and want a job I should become a model! It's perfect. Now what am I doing again? Oh yes, I forgot, fighting to the death with Edward's clones. Onward!

They closed in! I was outnumbered 6 to 1 with an extra liability of 1(Bella's new nickname, cute, I know, right?). I gracefully danced forward prepared to engage my, as of yet, still invisible opponent in vicious battle.

**Jasper POV**

I can't believe Emmett came up with that! Clones of all things! I'm going to have to make him cut down on his Star Wars viewing for a little while.

I carried out Commander Alice's orders as I daintily skipped across the roof. Emmett was emanating emotions of sincerity and bravado. I really had to roll my eyes at his thinking processes. I felt Edward's flicker of amusement and made a note to ask him about it later. Battle formulas were busy strategizing in my mind as we closed in.

I think secrecy was one of our top advantages. As long as he was confused we had the upper hand. If we had more time I would suggest not only smelling like Edward but dressing up as him as well. I really hate spontaneity in times like this. Planning is always more satisfying. "Edward!" I called out in my mind. "I say we all distract him while you slip behind him and take Bella out the window." I sensed his agreement and jumped into the attic.

Alice went behind the stuff piled high and began rummaging for something. I glanced at her speculatively but she just grinned. She pulled out an old baby toy and mouthed "He spent a whole week playing with this one time."

I trusted her judgment and watched as she slid it across the floor. It skidded to a stop at his feet. Emmett looked down at it his eyes filled with childlike wonder and amazement.

"The whack-a-mole game! I wondered where this went!" he exclaimed. He greedily grabbed the rubber mallet and started hitting it as if in a trance. The rest of us all slowly piled in the attic except for Edward who crept outside the window behind Emmy-bear. We all crept closer as he ignored all of us intent on his game.

Suddenly the unimaginable happened… he hit it a little too hard, and it tragically broke. Emmett fell to his knees raised his arms to the sky and cried "Nooooooooooooooo! My baby, my friend, how can you abandon me like this?"

His eyes glazed over and with a maniac abandon, grabbed the mallet and started hitting the floor around him. "Mole! Mole! I know you're here! I hit you, I do!"

Edward crept up behind him and gathered Bella in his arms. The love radiating from him was sickeningly sweet. I subconsciously gagged. The moment of tragedy occurred, Emmy wheeled around and pounded Edward on the head with a loud whoop of "I hit a mole!"

Edward was hit so thoroughly hard he was embedded into a hole in the attic floor created by his own body being compacted into it.

Rosalie leapt forward in slow motion to contain him. He wheeled back around and brought the mallet down upon her head. It continued it's downward path tearing her newly obtained silk shirt and her freshly embroidered jeans.

"EMMETT MCCARTHY CULLEN! You are in GARGANTUAN trouble mister! Drop the rubber WMD (weapon of mass destruction) and set your butt down in the emo corner."

I was frightened of the fierceness of her emotions. I'm pretty sure she would have killed someone if I hadn't sent waves of calm. Rosalie whipped around in my direction and gave me the evil eye. I made the waves stronger.

She finally looked semi calm. "Emmett." She said through clenched teeth. "Go there now."

He quickly raced off and left the destruction behind. Edward was still stuck in the floor with a shocked expression still plastered on his frozen face. Bella somehow remained asleep through it all.

_**A/N- I hope you enjoyed it at least a little bit.**_


	6. Where Is Happyland?

Bella POV

_**A/N- Just btw, this is After Eclipse and before Breaking Dawn. **_

**The next day: Rosalie POV**

"Alright everyone, I sent Emmett out on a few errands so we have a couple hours to get this together." I grinned internally thinking of how he was looking for 954 Hummingbird Circle, in Candy Cane, Happyland. Edward and Alice cracked a grin as well.

I'm so glad today's Saturday! It all works out that way.

"I'm glad to let you guys know I have combined your marvelous plan with mine. It's twice as humiliating and comes in many different layers. First, we trade his cologne for skunk scent. Second, we make some minor adjustments to his jeep to where it won't go over 40 mph. Third, we have a little fun with Photoshop and have his head on my body in a bikini and give him long hair to back up the woman rumors and spread those around. I also suggest for that one we put that picture on his mud flaps that say 'honk if you want this'. For the grand finally, I say we blindfold him and lock him in his trunk. Then we should pretend to be the spirits of our cars and say we are haunting him because he threatened to paint us! We should record this on tape and then play it over the announcements! It's ingenious isn't it?" I exclaimed.

Bella's mouth was gaping open in a big 'o' shape. Alice looked positively delighted. Jasper, I could tell, was weighing the options in his mind and trying to figure out how we were going to do it. Edward was busy staring at Bella, amused by her facial expression. Carlisle and Esme had a concerned look that said that they were afraid we'd take it too far. Not a chance. Emmett deserved every bit of it.

Everybody rushed about fulfilling their assigned duties while I worked on his jeep. I had made him go on foot when I sent him off to do "errands".

**Emmett POV**

Now where is the state Happyland? I had never heard of it before. I decided the best way to go about this was to ask people. I decided to start at the mall because it always had a lot of people. The more people I could ask meant, the more likely I was to get an answer.

I whizzed over to the mall in Seattle (being very careful to make sure I wasn't seen) and walked in. Now where were the smartest people in the mall located? Well, people are always a lot more alert after they've eaten so I jogged over to the food court. A small boy wearing glasses (which is a sure sign of being smart, I know this from TV) was sitting eating pizza.

"Oh mister small boy, where is the state of Happyland located?" I asked gently.

For no reason at all he started to cry. A rumpled lady came over looking very unhappy.

"What's wrong Mrs. Lady? You look perturbed what's the matter?" I inquired feeling very gentlemanlike.

She started beating me with her very large, very heavy handbag. "You should be ashamed of yourself, a grown man making a little boy cry isn't very masculine!" she yelled very upset.

"I was just asking him where the state of Happyland is." I explained.

"What?" She screeched. "You just admitted your sexual intents towards him! You are a shame to humankind!"

I wanted to explain to her that I was in no way human and I was certainly not a gay pedophile but she bundled him up and whisked him away. The juicy morsels all looked my way. I just waved and continued about my business.

Who else could I ask? Well, old people are always smart so I went into the nearest store and asked the elderly cashier.

"Mrs. Elderly Person, I always heard old peoples were smart so where is the state Happyland?"

"I'm not old!" she cried indignantly "I'm just 37!" She huffed away in a stewing fury.

I was getting tired so I sat down on a bench to rest. Asking people questions sure took a lot out of me.

A man rushed out of a store wearing a mask and carrying a full bag. He threw the gun in his hand in the fountain. He was obviously a superhero because they wore masks and they were smart so I ran after him.

"Hey wait! Mr. Mask Person pleases! I just want to ask you a question!" I tackled him to the ground careful not to break him. Suddenly security guards appeared out of nowhere and handcuffed him. They started shaking my hand and thanking me. They took him away before I even got to ask him.

I decided the mall wasn't a good place to ask people after all. I was walking out of the mall when I noticed a poster advertising a job interview for male models. I suddenly remember my epiphany yesterday when I decided to become a model so I rushed over to the address listed.

The receptionist's cheeks turned red when I entered. I wondered at this strange phenomenon. Bella's did that a lot too. Maybe I'll ask her about it. I sat down in the waiting room chair and called her.

**Jasper POV**

Bella's phone rang and everyone was surprised when the caller id revealed it to be Emmett.

Everyone was feeling very curious as to why he would call her. Good thing we all had vampiric hearing so we could all hear both sides of the conversation.

"Umm... Hello Emmett. Why are you calling me?" Bella asked.

"I just wanted to know what it means when people's cheeks turn red." Emmett's muffled voice asked. As if on cue she blushed.

"Well Emmett, it happens for many reasons. It could happen if you're sick and have a fever, it can happen when you are having really strong emotions, it could happen if you're cold, lots of things really." She explained.

"Oh, well what's the most common?" He inquired.

"Why do you want to know?" she asked.

"Well when I walked into this building the receptionist turned red." He explained.

"Oh, umm… well that probably them blushing. It could mean they think you're attractive."

"Oh! Well that's good! Bye Bella, thank you." He hung up.

Rosalie was furious. "Why the hell would he think that's a good thing? He better not like her!" she stomped around until Alice grabbed her hand.

"Rosie, I promise you it's not that." She assured her.

"How do you know?" she wailed.

Alice tapped her head.

"Well what is her doing?" she protested. Alice was amused.

"Sweetie, it'll be funnier hearing it from him. I promise, okay?" Alice assured.

Both she and Edward had large amounts of humor and amusement. I really hate not knowing the reasons behind these things. It really would be easier if I could just read their minds. I was kind of with Rosalie, it did seem like he was happy that the receptionist thought he was attractive. I really couldn't thing of any reason that could make it be something else, but I guess they had one.

**Alice POV**

Emmett really is a strange little fellow. He was glad the receptionist (who was male by the way) thought he was attractive because he thought that increased his odds of getting the modeling job. He didn't even think of how Rosalie would take the information and what she would think he was doing.

I don't see how he ended up at a modeling agency when Rosalie sent him out on errands but Emmett doesn't have a very large attention span. I just hope he doesn't end up in trouble with Rosalie because of this. She was already mad enough at him. Sometimes I felt sorry for him, and then he calls me a midget and the feeling just vaporizes into very thin air.

I really want his explanation of things to be exactly like I saw in my vision because then my soul will be greatly warmed. It's going to be fantastic. Oh, and the incident with the handbag lady was riotous.

"Everyone get back to work." I warned.

I myself continued working with Photoshop to get the picture exactly right. It had to look natural, but the fact that it was Emmett also had to be easily recognizable. I almost had it perfected. This revenge would be sweet, although my opposite wasn't too bad; it did allow me to try out a new style after all, not only that, but I did get to dress Bella up. It just sucked not being able to be nice and talk to people and be happy.

I saved my work and showed it to Bella. She made a few pointers like making the body a little bigger so it could match the size of the head. We then changed the color of the bikini because red just wasn't his color. Perhaps a cool dark purple, I think that would look better with the combination of his hair and skin color. Or better yet a spicy green, it was an original color that looked good with his hair, skin, and eyes. Perfecto.

I gave Bella a congratulatory accomplishment hug. She smiled back at me. She really was a great sister. Edward couldn't have picked someone better to want to eat.

In the background I heard Edward growl at the fact that I called Bella something to eat. He really just doesn't look at the circumstance in which I was using it. It was complementary, really. Humph. I rolled my eyes at his idiotic stubbornness.

**A couple hours later: Jasper POV**

The door rang and there was Emmett feeling very accomplished. Rosalie immediately rushed in and demanded an account of what he'd been doing for the last 3 hours.

"First I went to the mall to find out where the state Happyland is. Which reminds me, I'm really, really, really sorry Rosalie, but I could never find out where that was. So anyways, I asked this little kid because he had glasses which means he was smart, but he started crying and this mean lady started hitting me with her purse and yelling at me." I could feel his sorrow and anguish about this event hovering in the air choking me and I started dry sobbing. Alice immediately rushed to my side, but everyone else just rolled their eyes, used to outbursts like this. Emmett continued with the rest of the story.

"Anyways I then asked this old lady because old ladies are smart but she then yelled at me and told me she wasn't old. I then saw a superhero but the police took him away before I could ask him. I think they're jealous they have better jobs than they do. I started to go out of the mall because I didn't have any luck there, but I saw a poster saying how to be a male model and I remembered that I wanted to be one so I went to the place. I then called Bella because the dude at the desk turned red, and she turns red, so I thought she might know why he turned red. And I filled out this really long form and it asked when I was born so I put it in, but when I turned it in, they yelled at me for lying. I then told them I wasn't lying and yelled that I quit. I then went to the park because I was feeling real sad and saw the duckies there and duckies make me happy. And then I thought, what happens when I leave and I get sad cause the duckies aren't there, so I took a ducky. He's real cute like and I love him and he goes quack!" Emmett was hopping up and down with excitement, which made me join him and we hopped around in a circle.

Rosalie was so relieved she jumped up and hugged us both. She then kissed Emmett and they started making out until Carlisle cleared his throat.

"Emmett calm down. You have to return the duck, he isn't yours." Carlisle lectured.

Emmett stuck out his bottom lip and pouted "No, he's mine."

"But Emmett, what if he gets sad because he misses his family? What would you do if someone took you from us?" Carlisle explained.

"I'd be really sad." He admitted.

"Well then you have to give ducky back so he's not sad."

Emmett sniffed.

"How about I do it for you, okay Emmett?" Bella asked. "That way you won't have to be so sad."

Emmett nodded his head and placed the duck in her arms. Bella and Edward left to go take the duck back home. Rosalie hugged Emmett and patted his back, comforting him.

"Its okay baby, he'll remember you." Rosalie crooned.

"He will?" Emmett asked teary eyed.

"Of course darling, don't worry. It's okay. I love you" she hugged him and led him upstairs.

I pulled Alice aside and asked. "Should we really continue doing the prank?"

"Yeah, he'll calm down in a minute and be fine. Emmett bounces back fast." She assured me. I held her close and kissed her gently.

Sure enough Emmett came bounding down the stairs pulling Rosalie behind him.

"Come on guys!" he called out. "I want to go jumping in the leaves!" Rosalie mouthed her apologies to us. I sensed it was the only way she could get him to calm down.


End file.
